It seems like rich people get to have all the fun. Buying and selling other people’s big corporations, pushing out the little guys, ruining lives—it’s all a good laugh. The problem is that our poorer world is much smaller and personal than theirs, and the only business world we see is the place we go to work at everyday. Now, you can be a defeatist and say that we don’t have the funds, perspective, or societal support to participate in this great game, or, you can look at the smaller, more intimate scale of your work experience as an opportunity to fully experience the exhilaration that victory and the suffering of others can give you. You might not realize this, but those poor saps that crush dreams everyday are sometimes barely aware of the people behind those dreams; what a waste! You, on the other hand, can bring your enemies to your knees just like your warrior ancestors of old. Here are some tips on how to do just that.

Create a Banner:

• Every good war chief needs a banner that inspires his soldiers to go to war. The banner you create will probably look something similar to an inspirational poster.
• Next, you need a project that you are in charge of, or you need to make one up.
• Then, call a meeting with your team and rouse them with inspirational words, and promise that they will make a killing against the competing teams and will win a prize.
• Get them riled up, and take them to visit a competing team to “playfully taunt” them. Get them started in all sorts of jeers and taunts, making sure everyone gets involved.
• Hand out pointy sticks to them and “see what happens.”
• If anyone dies, remind your team that there’s no turning back now.
• Now you have an army and a standard!

Blockade:

• Use a team of loyal coworkers to blockade access to the break room and/or bathrooms. This is easier if you already have a strong team of loyal warriors under your control.
• Refuse to let anyone through without your express permission.
• Don’t let anyone get to their coffee or a toilet until they give in to your demands or are weakened to a point where they are ripe for destruction. Alternately, you can simply force coworkers to pay a toll.
• Give your team pointy sticks and see what happens.

Scorched Earth:

• Get a rag-tag group of team members that have nothing left to lose.
• Go to someone else’s cubicle or office and insist that your team have access to their computer and supplies so say you need to finish a project.
• After the owner leaves, take clubs to everything or burn it all down.
• Move on to another cubicle and repeat.
• When everyone begins to figure out what you’re up to, hand out pointy sticks to your troops and see what happens.

Force Everyone in Conquered Territory to Convert: For instance, if you think Dilbert is the funniest comic of all time, you should force everyone to tack some of the comics to their walls by threat of force. Hopefully, everyone fears the wrath of your pointy sticks by this point.

Electronic Warfare:

• Find out what programs you can install on the computers.
• If there are little or no restrictions (or if the management can’t afford the equipment to control the network, or are too stupid to do so), give everyone copies of World of Warcraft or the latest Sims game.
• Become friends with everyone on Facebook. Invite all of them to be your “neighbor” on Farm Town. NEVER ACTUALLY PLAY YOURSELF.
• Older people seem to be able to waste just as much time on colorful puzzle games or even solitaire.
• Sign up for “free” services with the emails of your coworkers. Watch as they spend the rest of their free time deleting spam!
• Let your minions loose with pointy sticks. The goal is to catch your coworkers while they are still in a disorganized, loopy state.
• If you don’t want to hurt anyone so physically, you can always just work hard(ish) and look great in comparison.

Arranged Dating: If you and your team are starting to find failure in your conquests or feel you are getting in too deep, take the most attractive member of your team and arrange a date with the chieftain of a competing tribe in order to forge peace. Offer gifts of donuts, staplers, and pointy sticks as a token of your new alliance.

Cultural Domination:

• Get together a group of office friends that share your similar tastes.
• Work together to send everyone funny jokes, YouTube videos, and website links through email.
• Get together with these friends and make references to your favorite TV shows, form of politics, and hobbies. Snub everyone who obviously doesn’t get them. NOTE: Don’t always do it all together at the same time! You will be mistaken as a social clique or a cult. Mix up the pairing every once in a while.
• Decorate your office or cubicle wall with comics and jokes. If you put words up on a wall, people be compelled to read them. It’s true!
• Send your most attractive people to convert others through seduction or marriage. NOTE: make sure any of their dates would usually be “beneath” them so the victims feel insecure enough to do and like whatever the babe/hunk tells them to!
• Cruelly mock people who enjoy different things or see the world differently than you do.
• Start mixing propaganda into your media so you can start making new rules, cashing in on your influence, and convincing people they need to have sex with you in order to fit in (this sounds bad, but it’s really the foundation of most relationships).
• You should be aware that at this point your army is probably expecting pointy sticks.