Are you extremely bitter toward your office establishment? Are you a conscientious saver? Are you the guy that does whatever the cool kids are doing? Then stealing office supplies might be something that will be of benefit to you! I have been working in offices for 1 + years, and am tested and bona-fide infinitely-smarter than you, so you will want to listen to my tried-and-tested tips for stealing office supplies and getting away with it. Remember: white-collar criminals like us don’t get “street cred” for getting caught!

1. Keep it Small: If you steal a copier of CPU, middle management looks like a hero if they catch you in the act and turn you in. If you are stealing staplers, however, they look petty and malicious—and no one will suspect that you have stolen seventeen others already and are secretly unloading them on the international, inter-office black market.
2. Become a Communist: Unlike what Glen Beck will have you believe, you don’t have to be progressive to be a communist (nor does being a communist necessarily make you a progressive—thank God!). All you need to do to be a communist is to wear funny, fuzzy fur hats and talk in a bad, Russian accent; insist that everything you steal is for the benefit of your comrades, and that stealing staplers will put machines “back into the hands of the proletariat.” Like sex, sometimes stealing is more fun and fulfilling if you take on goofy roles (note that “Robin Hood” has been done too much and is kind of too fruity anyway).
3. Stealing Food is Tough: If you steal petty office supplies and the staff finds out, the only likely consequence is that you will gain the respect of your peers and get laid much more often. If you steal company secrets, you may be fired, but your fellow workers will romanticize your exploits “against the man” and have lots of sex with you. If you steal food, however, you will gain the universal disdain of all your peers in every office you work at forever—and you will probably get a divorce once your spouse finds out. Why do so many people do it, then? Because it’s just so dangerous and naughty! Make sure you take extra caution to not get caught, and be prepared to bribe or kill anyone who catches you in the act.
4. Introducing Romance Makes it Really Sexy: All the coolest criminal-robber-types came in pairs and had lots of hot I-just-stole-something sex (just like Bonny and Clyde—yowza!). Find someone sexy (same or opposite sex, I won’t judge), and after you get past the initial flirting phase start surreptitiously showing the target your stash of stolen pens and tape dispensers. The hopeful partner will probably smile a bit and bite his or her lip. Then you can have a sexy soirées involving bouts alternating between stealing things and having steamy sex in office closets. Does stealing sound so “wrong” now?
5. Have a Work-At-Home Alibi: Convince the office administration to let you bring some work home—any work. Even if the office supplies aren’t used in the job, you can still justify stealing supplies in the name of the project if you’re creative. You can say, “I work better if I have the staplers, pens, and posters I’m familiar with surrounding me,” or something similar.
6. How to Score Yourself: After you’ve been at it a while, you probably want a tangible scoring system you can use to evaluate yourself or impress the opposite sex. Here is a pretty good scoring guide you can use:

• - Pencils: 1 point each five, mechanical or otherwise.
• - Mechanical Pencil Refill: 3 points each because it really pisses people off when they can’t refill their expensive pencils.
• - Pens (black and blue): 2 points each five.
• - Pens (specialty color): 3 points each five, 5 points if the color is necessary to comply with office policy, like: “all AB-100 forms are to be marked with red ink”, etc.
• - Weird Pen Refills for Expensive Pens: 4 points each. 5 points if you don’t even have the pen the refill goes to.
• - Stapler: 6 points—the nabber’s classic
• - Novelty Stapler: 8 points, this novelty item might be fashioned after a cartoon character or some joke or just be an oddly ergonomic thing.
• - Food (Vegetable): 8 points
• - Food (Main Course Item): 10 points
• - Food (Desert or Specialty/Cultural Item): 13 points
• - Copy Paper: 10 points per ream.

• Special Conditions
• Pens/Pencils: Every time you hear someone complain about never being able to find a pen or pencil, give yourself 8 bonus points each time if you have stolen approximately 1/4 of the writing utensils within the past 2 months. You get 15 points if a manager writes a company email asking people not to take supplies home with them.
• Plastic Silverwear/Disposable plates/Paper Cups: If you steal the last knife, plate, or whatever, you get 15 points each time you hear somebody complain.
• Coffee Beans, Powder: You get 15 points if you are sure that the coffee will run out before anyone notices and buys a replacement.
• Copy Paper: 20 bonus points if you hear anyone complain about running out of paper, don’t score yourself points if you haven’t stolen 1/6 of the paper supply or two reams, whatever is larger.
• Swear Words: You get +4 points if people use four-letter swear words when they complain about missing items as described above.
• Motivational Poster: 30 points if you actually hang it up somewhere in a clearly visible spot in your own home.

I hope this helps! Enjoy the exciting life in the criminal-underground world of sex and staplers!