Ever since the downturn in the economy, more and more people are out of jobs and that presumably means more people are also going through more fruitless interviews. These interviews are those ominous events where every imperfection and lapse of work ethic in the past ten years are exposed to Those Who Live on High—those perfect judges who have been determined by deity to determine which people will be able to afford video games and happy marriages with their spouses.

Since there is so much competition, hiring managers are expecting so much more from applicants, so you have to really make an effort to stand out. If you find yourself in one of these precarious interviews, here are seven simple tips that will help you succeed on judgment day and get that job.

1. Lie, lie, lie! Trust me, they all expect you to do it—that's why they ask you 15 questions about termination and lapse of employment. Deep down inside, these hiring gurus will be disappointed if you flat-out tell them about that secretary you wouldn't stop sending poetry to. If you are going to tell the truth, at least make them work for it! It will make all those books they read on hiring seem worthwhile and you might be a little happier to know you made their day.
   Note: Tell lies that can't be fact-checked. You are not an Eagle Scout, but your obsession to get the job done right is the reason you never could make the time for a romantic life or a cat.
2. What to Wear: An interview workshop once told me to wear dark blue because black is depressing and brown looks like poop. If you insist on not looking like poo, however, make sure that you don't dress so snazzy that you accidentally give the impression that you will have friends or a life outside work if you're hired.
3. Don't Talk about Food, Water, or Defecation: These are inappropriate subjects because you want to give the impression you have no need for such banal time-wasters. If the subjects of eating or breaks come up, just give him a confused stare like you have no idea what he could be talking about. Note: Don't try to claim you don't need air (the manager can see you breathing).
4. Seem as Malleable as Possible: Don't give the impression you have an independent streak or preconceived notions about how anything should be done ever. Here is an example of how this might be accomplished:

   Hiring Manager: "So, did you see that big game last night?"
   You: "Oh yeah, the Screamin' Saxons are my favorite team of all time!"
   HM: "Really? I've always preferred the Stormin' Seagulls."
   You: "The Stormin' Seagulls are my favorite team of all time!"
   (Note: Actually change your opinion. The manager will know if you're faking.)

   Even if they say they want a "self-starter," make sure it looks like you will start however she wants you to anyway.
5. Be Optimistic and Energetic: You don't want to give the impression that you will be aware of how meaningless your life is once you begin spending most of your wakeful hours on something that doesn't improve or edify the human race. Remember: You are optimistic and eager to do anything that isn't very illegal!
6. Be Friendly and Sociable: Everyone wants to feel like they are wanted and special, and now that you are looking for a job you are officially a whore; just be glad that your form of whoring doesn't carry the social stigma that selling yourself for sex does (you can still go to fancy parties!). Make sure that you give a firm handshake and look the manager in the eyes. If you ever have to talk to someone else in the same office, turn away from the hiring manager with obvious resentment for the interruption. Seem loath to leave after the end of the interview. Note: Many other whores have made a rule not to go golfing with their bosses since they might begin to develop real feelings for her. You might want to consider this sensible rule!
7. Keep you Resume Up to Date: You don't necessarily need to keep a complete or entirely factual resume (see point one above), but you do need to read what the most recent trends are, because the managers all know what these are and will snigger at you if you don't (well, they might still hire you). Make sure any books you read about resumes were published recently, or your information will be outdated and the hirer might accidentally get the impression that you have forgotten how to read or navigate a bookstore. Note: Giving a potential employer a resume that has more than one page is just like trying to take a first-date a high-price restaurant—its kind of creepy.

If you follow these rules you might get that foot in the door and start bringing home those paychecks! Presumably, you can pretty much do what you want after the initial trial period (check with Human Resources first).