There is a huge chasm between the “real” world, or life outside the office, and the workplace. On average, most people can be expected of certain types of behaviors in order to make the gears of society run smoothly—we’ve been trained as children and humiliated in high school to learn these behaviors. The office, however, is its own little microcosm, a little ecosystem all to itself with its own rules. If you learn the differences, you can avoid the common mistakes caused by expecting basic human behavior from your coworkers. Use this information for your own safety (or profit)!

• Promotions: In school you would get grades that were basically determined by your performance, and your rank among the students was determined by a large, democratic popularity contest. At the office your promotions are determined by a tiny, monarchial popularity contest and your performance determines how much your coworkers resent you. In the office, you are best suited if you try to get one person to like you (the boss) and simultaneously convince your coworkers that you are losing this contest if you want them to like you. This is the formula for success.
• Sharing: You were always taught to share when you were growing up, and if you try to cut in line at an amusement park you will be met with universal disdain. At the office, resources are divided out by a complex haggling process based on how much you can inflate the importance of your project, the status of the manager you’re doing the work for, and finally, in the end, by the tiny popularity contest mentioned above. With this in mind, you are best suited by hoarding everything you can to yourself and by exaggerating the importance of everything associated with you and your work as much as possible—act much like the peacock of the natural world.
• Disputes: In the real world, disputes are supposed to be handled by impartial judges that dispense justice; you are considered innocent until you are proven guilty. In the office, disputes are determined by a boss that makes a decision based on what result will be least annoying or costly to said boss. If a possible termination is involved, the boss will favor the worker he would rather work with unless his own ass is on the line as well. So, whenever you have a dispute or an argument, make sure that you are louder and whinier than the offending party—the boss may take your side just to shut you up. Spread rumors that the offending coworker hates the bosses’ favorite sports team or is dating the his or her “secret” crush.
• Friendships: You are supposed to be kind to your friends and develop a sense of loyalty to one another; you don’t betray each other or reveal secrets told in private. In the office, if you want to forget about work, the only subject you can talk about are your coworkers (unless you can go on forever about yourself). Your friends at work have every right to gossip and talk about you behind your back, so make sure that every story you tell them is a positive one—or at least has a positive spin (your grandmother died while saving a small child, not natural causes; you are cheating on your spouse with a supermodel, not a cashier from McDonald’s; you son is graduating early, not dropping out—you get the idea. Everything is worthy of embellishment, and they won’t catch on because you probably don’t see them outside of work much anyway.).
• Education: At school you were supposed to enjoy learning, and teachers were considered good when they could foster excitement for the subject with their students. At work, your overseers will get suspicious if it looks like your having any real fun. This is why you must never admit you are excited to learn any new skill they’re planning to train you in. Learn how to experience pleasure with a frown and a sigh (this might be easier if you’re married).

It’s easy to see how you might be disappointed and also scorned by your coworkers if you tried to apply real-world ethics and morality to the work place. If you try to do so, you will seem out of place and your coworkers will either resent you or believe you are a holy prophet sent to chasten them—and neither option is favorable to your sense of personal well-being, nor gives you a chance to ever “make it” with the cute one (you define what “it” means). Good luck acclimating yourself to the berber jungle!