Trying to win an argument with your boss is always futile because of this principle: the boss is always right. If it ever does become apparent that the boss is wrong, it is possible that you will suddenly start “performing poorly” on evaluations for weeks thereafter until either you or your superior terminates your job out of bitterness. Managers at other places of business will apparently understand this principle as well, because they will not hire you if they catch any wind that you argued with a previous employer, no matter how wrong he was in “reality”—even if he sexually harassed you using four letter words and racial slurs, and then posted the video on YouTube—and then posted more slurs in the comment section. Any argument means you just have too much bad juju to be hired again.

Now on the other hand, you can have all sorts of fun and profit when arguing and manipulating your coworkers, and if you do it right you will have all the power, respect, and babes (or hunks) you could ever want. The only thing you have to do is seriously hurt people in the name of your own benefit; let’s begin!

When You Need to Scare People for Life: You will come across many situations where you will be able to benefit from harming others—these are the moments when it’s best to do so!

• Controlling Attitudes About You: Spreading rumors is always helpful because it always makes you look good in comparison—nobody suspects that the “prude” calling a coworker a “slut” happens to have extremely loose hinges on her thighs as well. This is why hypocrisy is so utilitarian! If you want to keep people from seeing you for who you are, begin accusing others of your own faults as swiftly and ruthlessly as possible. Sure some people will “hate” you, but if you keep your maligning tongue away from the cool kids, these “haters” will pretty much have to put up with your crap if they don’t want to be pariahs (they don’t).
• Plant Evidence: If you need to look better than another coworker, like, for instance, when you are competing for the same promotion, begin stealing food from the same people for several weeks. Then, after you’ve created a stir of complaining and grumbling, start leaving their food on your victim’s desk whenever he leaves. Someone is bound to find him out.
• Be the Best Possible Person You Can Be: Whenever you can pass the blame to someone else, do so immediately! Whenever its obvious that you made a mistake, take full responsibility and do your best to fix it—being big about your mistakes and “facing the choir” will make you seem like a standout fellow. Just make sure it’s clear that no matter whose responsibility it is, it was someone else’s incompetence that really caused the blunder.

Be Nice: If you tried every hurtful lie and machination you can think of and people still don’t like you, then it might be time to try being nice. Remember, much like the hooker who doesn’t kiss on the lips to avoid developing emotional attachments toward her tricks, you should avoid develop true feelings or empathy for your coworkers as this will weaken your edge (although it can be fun to kiss them).

• Bribe Them: Buy food for the office (or if your workplace isn’t tiny, then your department). You can expect a return depending on the foodstuff. Donuts will earn you name recognition simply because people will ask where the donuts came from. Bagels and cream cheese will make you seem classier (although due to their shape, both food-stuffs come with the “total zero” negative connation). Bringing in something home-cooked or from foreign cultures might make you stand out, but you have to be ready to accept the fact that no one will trust you enough to eat it (which is why processed food was invented, coincidentally: to standardize the production of food so everyone knows what to expect when they open a package). Pizza will certainly raise everyone’s perception of you as this food returns everyone to that “happy place” that exists in his or her inner child. Desert stuff is always a classic as well, because some people will enjoy it and the rest will use your goodies as a jumping board for showing off their dieting discipline.
• Gifts: Everybody likes presents. That’s why they’d be happy to receive a troll-doll pencil topper that “simply reminded me of you.” Of course that’s just ridiculous, but it gives people the impression that you occasionally think of them—insecure, gullible losers. Of course, things they would actually want can work too. Starbuck gift cards work well, because even if they don’t drink coffee they’re kind of required to pretend they do in order to keep their office “cred.” In fact, anything nice and thoughtful will be a neat surprise, but coupons for free hugs and back rubs will probably be a little creepy.
• Be Open to Dates: If someone likes you, say “yes” if they ask you out. You may have to feign interest in order to help the lucky victim build courage. If this person really likes you, you basically have someone that you can manipulate to do just about anything in the office for you. You can also manipulate your feelings and reputation when you get bored of the dating! This option can take a lot of work and time, but it can be worth the investment if you demand returns.

Anyway, these tips will hopefully get you the respect and promotions that you so rightfully deserve. If they don’t, you can begin working hard or assisting others if you are in truly desperate straights.