There has been a lot of debate about health care in America recently, and if you’re poorish, it seems that a slight majority might now resent you every time you get sick (that means don’t cough and wear concealer if you get pale or green). Well, now that everyone is at least moderately sure that the Health Insurance companies in America are big jerks, I can write this article while only offending about a third of the readers.

Here is your guide to the common, office-supplied health insurance:

• Pills: Know that your company won’t cover any pill that hasn’t been on the market for 20 years—taking the same medicine your grandma took for her seizures builds a sense of ancestral community. Warning: your health insurance company doesn’t care if you can’t get it up, or don’t want to have babies and not have a period at the same time. Don’t even look for sympathy, because they clearly never had the sex required to have the necessary empathy into your plight.
• Losing Coverage: American health insurance companies are reportedly dropping the coverage of people who develop expensive illnesses. The key here is to not get sick, or just not seek treatment if you do become seriously ill.
• Doctor Optimism: Your doctor will think that he/she can simply sign a form and practically force your company to cover a prescription if they give a detailed analysis of your need of the drug. Your health company already probably covers $5 on $500 non-generic medicines, so they can’t be forced to cover something they technically do cover, right? Even if they don’t do this, they will probably summarily reject the drug anyway.
• Death Panels: When you do inevitably end up on a death panel, point out that you’ve rarely ever rocked the boat or done anything remotely exciting like weakening the moral thread of society. Offer money, sex favors, or party favors. Compare them favorably to Hollywood stars.
• You Are a Communist or Terrorist: If it looks like you are about to lose your health insurance, write the Democratic National Committee and tell them about your plight, and invent an affiliation with the Communist Party or Jihad so they will send you free health insurance, food stamps, and a gift basket from Harry and David’s. Tell Glen Beck your revelatory experience with the DNC if you want to be on TV!
• Hot Nurses: They are so overworked and see so many patients that it’s not even worth trying to hook up with them, unless you’re very wealthy and/or royalty, and if that’s the case you would probably have to be weirdly open-minded if you’re willing to have casual sex with poor-people strangers.

This will get you over the worst obstacles in your path to well-being. If any of these prospects seem too depressing for words, then please sign the necessary paperwork to donate your organs for medical experiments before you do anything unfortunate—they can use all the help they can get.